Meeting the Bare Minimum of Morality

Every day in life we are presented with numerous choices. Some of these choices may be quite large and important, choices that severely impact how our lives will proceed. But most of these daily choices are small, trivial ones with little lasting impact (all choices are trivial in the cosmic sense). Among these little choices are the ones that determine our sense of basic morality, our principles, our empathy. It is these least important daily decisions that are truthfully the most important. They shed a light on our true selves and reveal who we are every day. Not who we are when faced with a grand task or some epic quest, but simply who we wake up as each morning.

"Boy howdy, this sure is deep," you're probably saying to yourself. "You're such a thought-provoking person, I'm glad I read your blog, you handsome and intelligent philosopher, you." Yes, I know. But why am I waxing poetic about morality?

Because this is about the people that make the wrong decisions. The people that when faced with the opportunity to not be a shit person, just go ahead and crown themselves Grand High Emperor of the Assholes. The people that I'm going to list, complain about, and declare personae non gratae.

Naturally, let me give a quick disclaimer. I'm not perfect (albeit damn close). I make mistakes. I have those days. I'm no saint (even if I'm more qualified to be one than Mother Theresa). But I recognize this and I'm actively working towards bettering myself. I'd say I don't mean to sit on my high horse and judge, but, well, I've got the saddle already so here we go.

Let's begin.

People Who Don't Pick Up After Their Dog

We're gonna start with an easy one. One that I think we can all agree on. People who don't pick up their dog's poop on the street (sidewalk, park, Moon, etc.) are a special breed of bastard. Now, I may just be extra irked about this one now that I'm in France, where leaving your dog's poop everywhere is apparently a national pastime. But that is beside the point. No matter where you are in the world, pick up after your dog.

Stepping in dog poop is an intensely frustrating experience. You're standing there with literal shit on your shoe, most likely waving your fists at whatever god created the abomination of a person that leaves dog poop on the ground, and genuinely upset that there is no way you can avenge your shit-covered shoe. You take a moment, peering for a place to scrape your foot on, mutter some curses, and move on knowing that the culprit will never be found nor even known to you (unless you see the person in front of you, in which case remove your poop shoe and throw it at them). The people that leave their dog's poop are unempathetic, lazy wastes of oxygen who lack the basic moral fiber to carry around a small plastic bag when they take their dog for a walk. 

I do want to be extremely clear that I do not blame the dogs. They're dogs. They have a near complete dearth of empirical knowledge and human ethics. Yes, I understand dogs rescued 9/11 survivors and can sniff out drugs (narcs...) and can feel emotions; they're immensely intelligent creatures who we don't deserve. But they are also animals. Animals who could care less where their shit ends up. Otherwise there would be a complex system of dog plumbing systems. 

People Who Don't Return Their Shopping Cart

The Shopping Cart Theory is a popular theory about how returning shopping carts is a sort of indicator for whether or not a person is a backwards savage; whether they are an upstanding member of society or one so devoid of basic civility that they belong on the wrong side of Hadrian's Wall. I wanted to address this right way before someone accuses me of plagiarism (a word I just made up). I know there are a thousand articles discussing this. I know some googly-eyed dweeb at Buzzfeed had to change his trousers after seeing the original tweet. But I still want to complain about it too.

The shopping cart theory is arguably humanity's greatest test for determining whether or not someone deserves to soak their head. Returning your shopping cart to the corral (yes, corral, cowboy) is a task that requires such little effort and energy, that anyone who just leaves their cart in the parking lot (or worse, in a spot) is simply announcing themselves as the poster child for legalizing hunting humans.

This is certainly a bit more of an American problem, since the Europeans figured out how to put the kibosh on the issue early on by requiring a returnable deposit of a coin. Enacting these devices on American shopping carts would lead to a moral implosion as American greed and laziness duked it out.

I get it, the grocery stores pay a guy (or girl, or trained monkey) to walk the parking lot and collect the shopping carts. You leaving your cart wherever isn't going to decide the fate of humanity (then again...). But what you've done is showcase your lack of empathy for the person (or monkey) that collects the shopping carts. Instead of pushing the shopping cart fifteen feet, you've left it in the center of the lot like some trailer park Mario Kart obstacle. You've actively inhibited the driving of others in the lot or even worse, you've prohibited someone from being able to properly park. You're the reason some people watch the Purge films with such sadistic glee.

People Who Walk in Groups on the Sidewalk

I'm sure this has happened to you or someone you know (unless you're a hermit living deep in the Ural Mountains, I suppose). You're walking on the sidewalk, perhaps in a hurry to get to work or a candle store blowout sale, when you come upon a wall of ignorance; a group of people utterly lacking in spatial awareness walking slowly in a horizonal line blocking all other passersby from gaining any ground. You go to step around them or murmur a soft "Scuse me" which is met with frustrating silence or high-pitched giggles as nothing happens. You slow your pace and hope desperately for an opening which you can leap through, yet no such luck. The shambling idiots in front of you have created an effective barrier to all who wish to pass. You can't just forcefully push through them nor can you answer three riddles to gain passage. You have to awkwardly step into the street and hurry past them. Now you're late to work (or the candles have all been sold out).

If you're out with friends walking down the sidewalk, it is only natural that you all want to walk next to each other. You want to chat and be included. And that's fine. Just keep your wits about you and walk single-file when you have to. It's that easy. There's no reason seven of you all have to be next to each at all times. Until sidewalks are increased in size to half a mile wide, be polite to other pedestrians. 

Similarly are people who stop in the middle of the sidewalk for whatever inane reason has entered their ball bearing-like brain. That is not how that works. If you want to stop to take a call (though they're called MOBILE phones for a reason, you troglodyte) or pause for a conversation with a friend, don't. The sidewalk is a road for walking. Do you stop in the middle lane of the freeway every time the cymbal-playing monkey in your head starts clapping? I would hope not. If you need to stop on the sidewalk, do so off to the side in an area where you won't be blocking pedestrian traffic. A general sense of spatial awareness is necessary in life. How you evolved without that function is making Darwin spin in his grave.

People Who Play Music on Public Transportation

Playing music in public is okay... if you're wearing headphones. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that at any point in your life you should openly play music from your phone on public transit. There is not a single person on that train, bus, or subway that is interested in hearing your atrocious taste in music played loudly in terrible quality audio from your phone. I don't play my Norwegian black metal for all to hear, so I shouldn't have to suffer through your cousin's "fire" mixtape on Soundcloud. If I hear you playing your music out loud, I'm going to start belting out Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" repeatedly (this may actually exacerbate the issue as everyone on the tram will start singing showtunes).

Unlike the previous examples, you're in a situation where you're face to the face with the people suffering from your exasperating life choices yet you boldly go forth without an inkling of basic empathy. Instead of doing the bare minimum of putting on headphones (which only improves your music listening experience), these people suppose that those around them are actually really quite interested in an impromptu concert. We're not. No one is. Ever.

It's 2020. We as a species have achieved technological advances unheard of to our ancestors. We have put a man on the moon (at least ONE country has...), nearly everyone carries around a device with the entirety of human knowledge contained in the space of your palm, we can 3D print organs. And you're going to tell me you don't have a single pair of headphones? Hell, most phones and music devices literally come with a pair of headphones when you buy them. Those are included for a reason. It's not a fancy space-age bolo tie.

So the next time you sit down on the metro (or whatever public transportation equivalent) and you start playing music loudly from your phone, please know that the people around you glaring at you bitterly are not silently thanking you for your symphonic service. We're all desperately wishing that you are included in this year's aneurysm statistics.

People Who Litter

As an avowed supporter of conservation and someone who doesn't want to burn to a crisp in the next decade, please do not litter. Every piece of trash you drop is another step closer to human extinction. When the end comes, do you really want all the news channels announcing "Breaking News: End of Humanity caused by Jim, who couldn't be bothered to throw away his fucking McGriddle wrapper." Hyperbole? Maybe. 

Leaving your trash wherever is a sure sign of sociopathy. The person that absentmindedly drops the plastic packaging of their brand new single-use kitchen gadget onto the ground is the same person that is going to weaponize their avocado slicer on an innocent passerby. How can you possibly look around at serene landscapes and think "You know, perhaps there isn't enough random trash everywhere."

Littering affects not only humans, but animals. Hopefully for the people that cry when the golden retriever gets hit by a car in a movie, but can't summon emotions during Schindler's List this will be the catalyst for their misfiring neurons. Next time you have the hankering to forgo walking your trash to the next bin, why don't you just put a penguin in a chokehold? Instead of putting the wrapper from your candy bar in your pocket, just drop kick a baby deer. Rather than put your cigarette butt back in the pack, throat punch a sea turtle. Or better yet, hold onto your trash like every other top of the bell curve person.

The Bare Minimum

Hopefully anyone who has read this and does any of these things is now rethinking their life choices. If you've read this and have decided that you will continue eschewing civility to spite me, know that you will be first on the list of "People Who Need to Swallow a Ball-Peen Hammer."

In all seriousness, please try to think about the little decisions you are faced with each day. Your choices show the rest of us the face behind the mask. The person who refrains from conceding to the general good will out of sheer laziness is not someone to strive to be. What may be a tiny inconvenience to you in the moment, may be a considerable vexation to the person a few steps away. 

Go searching deep in that modest handful of grey matter for a modicum of empathy towards your fellow man. Do the bare minimum, that's all I ask (for now).