Conspirastupid
I wrote this post nearly a month ago, before quarantine, and decided to shelve it for the time being. But I'm floundering for my daily inspiration, so I wanted to update and post this.
I am a rational person. Well, as rational as a fleshy automaton powered by an electric bowl of tapioca can be. I have already made it clear that I am highly skeptical of ghosts, spirits, and, in general, the metaphysical. Unless something is backed by hard scientific evidence, I am wont to question its validity. Which should be the public consensus... Yet we are living in an age of sweeping anti-intellectualism. The people that bragged about not reading in high school are at the forefront of the many conspiracy theories that have pervaded many parts of our society. The sheer number of people who claim to better understand science than literal scientists is stunning.
People whose scientific background consists of reading AntiVaxMommy.bullshit.blogspot are challenging decades of scientific progress championed by men and women who have spent their lives learning, researching, and educating. To spout off that the research that you did in 9 minutes sitting on the toilet while sharing Minion memes on Facebook is more applicable than the peer-reviewed, evidence-driven papers and experiments developed by the greatest brains of our generation is mind-numbingly frustrating.
If it is not immediately obvious, I loathe conspiracy theorists and people who encourage their nutty bullshittery. Don't get me wrong, I am all for healthy questioning behavior. One cannot believe everything one is told. But do not fall down a rabbit-hole of craziness in an attempt to question everything. We as a society should be shutting down the harmful rhetoric of people like Alex Jones (big shout out to him and his recent DUI arrest) and the like. So let's take a look at some of the most popular conspiracy theories and why I think you're a moron if you believe in them.
I am a rational person. Well, as rational as a fleshy automaton powered by an electric bowl of tapioca can be. I have already made it clear that I am highly skeptical of ghosts, spirits, and, in general, the metaphysical. Unless something is backed by hard scientific evidence, I am wont to question its validity. Which should be the public consensus... Yet we are living in an age of sweeping anti-intellectualism. The people that bragged about not reading in high school are at the forefront of the many conspiracy theories that have pervaded many parts of our society. The sheer number of people who claim to better understand science than literal scientists is stunning.
People whose scientific background consists of reading AntiVaxMommy.bullshit.blogspot are challenging decades of scientific progress championed by men and women who have spent their lives learning, researching, and educating. To spout off that the research that you did in 9 minutes sitting on the toilet while sharing Minion memes on Facebook is more applicable than the peer-reviewed, evidence-driven papers and experiments developed by the greatest brains of our generation is mind-numbingly frustrating.
If it is not immediately obvious, I loathe conspiracy theorists and people who encourage their nutty bullshittery. Don't get me wrong, I am all for healthy questioning behavior. One cannot believe everything one is told. But do not fall down a rabbit-hole of craziness in an attempt to question everything. We as a society should be shutting down the harmful rhetoric of people like Alex Jones (big shout out to him and his recent DUI arrest) and the like. So let's take a look at some of the most popular conspiracy theories and why I think you're a moron if you believe in them.
Everyone Knows The Moon is Made of Cheese
Okay most people do not subscribe to Wallace and Gromit's theory (later proven to be either a pungent Wensleydale or Stilton), but there are those who believe the moon landing never happened. Low hanging fruit, I know, but there are people out there who truly believe that Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong (sorry Michael Collins) did not step on the moon in 1969, that the US faked the whole thing in an attempt to one up those Pinko bastards in the USSR.
In order to effectively hide a potential moon landing hoax, more than 400,000 people would have had to come together, collectively agree to make-up the whole deal, then successfully hide it for more than 50 years. I can't get a group of 5 friends to agree which bar we want to go to. If I tried to have them help me cover up humans visiting the literal moon, I guarantee at least one person would tweet about it.
There is also the popular claim that the photos were doctored. Again, BS. The common rebuttal is that the technology to fake the photos simply did not exist at the time. Though one woman claimed to have seen a bottle of Coca-Cola in one of the shots. If there were to fake the entire moon landing, the likelihood that they would leave an empty soda in a shot is ridiculous. (But then again, Game of Thrones Season 8 Starbucks cup...)
Finally is the word and testament of the astronauts themselves. If you made it to the moon, would you keep quiet about the fact? Hell no. You (or rather I) would be using that to impress girls at the bar all the time. "Can I buy you a drink?" "No thanks." "I walked on the moon."
Would it be effective? Probably not. But it sure would be cool. For entertainment value, I highly recommend watching the video of Buzz Aldrin cold-cocking a moon landing denier who gets in his face. Immensely satisfying.
It's Turtles All the Way Down
The Flat Earth Society. What must have initially started as a joke (as these things often do) has become a full-blown conspiracy theory. As the name implies, there are people who believe the earth is flat. Apparently if you look out over a long distance, everything appears flat. Also if you drive a long-distance, you don't feel any curve. This is a decided dearth of basic scientific understanding.
The belief in a flat earth comes from one of two places. Either a Biblical misinterpretation (because who could have guessed that a collection of ancient texts written in a handful of different languages by numerous authors with poor translations could have led to confusion...) or a disbelief in the scientific community. Both have the common denominator of outright stupidity.
The spherical nature of our planet was discovered more than 2,000 years ago by Greek mathematician Eratosthenes. He was able to calculate the circumference of Earth using angles of the sun. People who claim that the earth is flat have a difficult time calculating how much to tip in a restaurant. So unless you are an ancient Mesopotamian with pagan beliefs, you have no leg to stand on.
Even the scientific experiments created by flat earthers have inevitably led to confirmation of the fact that the earth is spherical. Naturally they claim to have performed the experiments incorrectly. If you keep performing different experiments and keep getting the same results, then it might be time to draw a conclusion.
Vaccines Cause Adults
A recent people's referendum in Maine called for the vetoing of Janet Mills's new law removing religious and philosophical exemptions for vaccines for children attending public school. More than 100,000 people came out to vote for the veto in the name of "medical freedom" and "fighting big pharma." In reality, they came out to fight herd immunity.
I have no patience or sympathy for anti-vaxxers (aka pro-preventable disease). Even the World Health Organization has listed anti-vaccine efforts in its top 10 of biggest public health threats.
Their complaints about the dangers of vaccines are hilariously (it would be funnier if it wasn't so frustratingly dangerous) stupid and unfounded. The primary concern is the possibility of a child developing autism. Touted by fatally dim actress Jenny McCarthy and the criminally insane Andrew Wakefield (who deserves to be guillotined for his role in falsely making vaccines sound scary), the claim has been disproven time and again. Wakefield, who wrote a research paper in the late 90s claiming causation between vaccines and autism, later retracted his paper once it had been thoroughly disproven numerous times and it was revealed he conjured up false data as well as had a moneyed interest in the whole thing. Let me make this abundantly clear. Vaccines do not cause autism. If you still believe this, you are an imbecile. The time for being nice about this is far past. I am not going to let your idiotic opinions kill me, my loved ones, or my future children (if I'm ever able to dupe a woman into marrying me). If you believe that the amount of mercury or other chemicals in vaccines are dangerous, then DING DING DING you are once again an imbecile. Congrats on failing high school chemistry. Not only is there more mercury in a can of tuna, but chemicals can change composition when combined with each other. For example, the chemicals sodium and chlorine, lethal alone, combine to make salt. Fucking table salt. (Can't wait for some lady with too many blonde highlights and a closet of LuLaRoe to misinterpret this and believe vaccines have salt in them.)
With the current health crisis underway, they have been relatively quiet in their crusade of idiocy. However, I cringe at the thought that once a vaccine is developed and prepped for human usage, we are going to be seeing a lot of Karens hopped up on essential oils decrying the dangers of life-saving medicine as per usual. I for one would prefer not to drown to death choking on bloody froth from my lungs, so I will be gladly accepting the vaccine.
Their complaints about the dangers of vaccines are hilariously (it would be funnier if it wasn't so frustratingly dangerous) stupid and unfounded. The primary concern is the possibility of a child developing autism. Touted by fatally dim actress Jenny McCarthy and the criminally insane Andrew Wakefield (who deserves to be guillotined for his role in falsely making vaccines sound scary), the claim has been disproven time and again. Wakefield, who wrote a research paper in the late 90s claiming causation between vaccines and autism, later retracted his paper once it had been thoroughly disproven numerous times and it was revealed he conjured up false data as well as had a moneyed interest in the whole thing. Let me make this abundantly clear. Vaccines do not cause autism. If you still believe this, you are an imbecile. The time for being nice about this is far past. I am not going to let your idiotic opinions kill me, my loved ones, or my future children (if I'm ever able to dupe a woman into marrying me). If you believe that the amount of mercury or other chemicals in vaccines are dangerous, then DING DING DING you are once again an imbecile. Congrats on failing high school chemistry. Not only is there more mercury in a can of tuna, but chemicals can change composition when combined with each other. For example, the chemicals sodium and chlorine, lethal alone, combine to make salt. Fucking table salt. (Can't wait for some lady with too many blonde highlights and a closet of LuLaRoe to misinterpret this and believe vaccines have salt in them.)
With the current health crisis underway, they have been relatively quiet in their crusade of idiocy. However, I cringe at the thought that once a vaccine is developed and prepped for human usage, we are going to be seeing a lot of Karens hopped up on essential oils decrying the dangers of life-saving medicine as per usual. I for one would prefer not to drown to death choking on bloody froth from my lungs, so I will be gladly accepting the vaccine.
With All That Said...
Please stop believing in stupid conspiracy theories in some weird attempt at anti-conformity. If you really want to stand out, shop at Hot Topic or something. It's far less dangerous to the public and will at least let strangers know how silly you are (I actually have band tees from Hot Topic so I'm allowed to say that).
The moon landing is real. The earth is spherical. Vaccines work. Listen to scientists (that aren't corrupt). Wash your hands, stay safe, and don't watch that moron's press briefings.
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