Boredom in the Time of Coronavirus

First things first, if you are reading this anywhere besides your home or the place you are supposed to be isolated, please do me favor. Pack up your stuff wherever you are, go home, and wash off your clown makeup, you contemptuous buffoon. You are the reason we are all stuck inside binge watching a group of meth-addled, murder scandal-embroiled tiger lovers. For the rest of you reading this from the safety of your chosen quarantine zone, thank you for adhering to basic common sense and human decency.

Glad we got that out of the way.

Clearly I have not written anything for a few weeks now (despite having literally no excuse), so in a vain attempt to ward off my isolation-fueled existential mania and to keep you all slightly entertained, I've decided to selfishly update you all on my well-being (what else are you gonna do?). The good news is that I probably do not have COVID-19 (well so far as I know...). There is bad news though. Tragic news really. I've decided to grow a moustache. Thus far it is absolutely abhorrent. I look far more like John Waters than Errol Flynn. I look like I was spoon-fed a quart of mod podge then French kissed a ferret. But it's within CDC mask wearing guidelines and it's not like I'm going out anywhere anytime soon. I even went to shave today, only for my mom to lament "Not the moustache!" So at least I have one fan.

Besides that, I've been handling the exponential rise in daily existential crises rather well (I love the word "existential"). An ampleness of available books, movies, and video games has kept me relatively busy. I've even endeavored to pick up the hopefully useful skill of speaking French (which is basically just sexy gargling).

Books

The first book I read in quarantine was ironically Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies. A breakdown of how and why the world has been ruled by the nations that it has been. Dispensing with the covertly racist explanation of biological differences, Jared Diamond does a phenomenal job of utilizing biogeography to explain which societies were blessed with advancing technologies and innovations based on their location. A brilliant read for the student of history as well as the science fanatic, I cannot recommend this enough.

The book I recently finished was Peter Mayle's A Year in Provence. Arguably my mother's favorite book, she reads it at the beginning of every year. Following the true story of an English expat in Provence, France, you will find yourself transported to the Mediterranean province abound with rich wines and richer foods (all described in appetizing detail). An exploration into French, or rather Provencal culture, one can't help but being intrigued by the possibility of moving to a foreign land. It is a quick read and one that will hopefully help move your thoughts away from the current pandemic.

And now I'm a quarter of the way into Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. The veritable Bible of my high social studies teacher, the book is an in-depth contemplation of the annals of American history as seen through the lens of the persecuted. Opening with the genocide of the Natives by Christopher Columbus, Zinn goes no holds barred. All those brilliant figures in US history that you read about have dark backgrounds, far darker than we learned about in school (except for maybe Thomas Paine). If you are not an ultra-nationalist, then this is a superb book. Forgo your blind patriotism and learn about the rotten foundations this country was constructed on.

Movies

I still haven't watched Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind. Honestly not sure if I ever will. Though if there were ever a time to attempt them, now is it. I did watch Francis Ford Coppola's The Conversation which is pure art. The only reason it lost the award for Best Picture was because it was up against The Godfather Part II. It's thrilling, morally confusing, and perfectly relevant to the modern world of always being watched and listened to (Orwell is rolling in his grave).

I have watched a few modern movies that deserve praise. Ford vs. Ferrari, Uncut Gems, Knives Out, Sonic the Hedgehog wait no not that one (yet). Frankly I'll watch any movie with Christian Bale in it. There could be a 10 hour loop of Bale reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar in a white room and I'd probably rave about it.

The new Jumanji (by new I mean 2017) is hilarious. Dwayne Johnson (see, it sounds weird if you don't say Dwayne "THE ROCK" Johnson) flexes his acting chops playing a skinny nerdy kid. Kevin Hart plays Kevin Hart (as per usual). Karen Gillan is pretty decent at playing the weird girl (throwback to her Doctor Who days) and also I would marry her in an instant. And the man that steals the show is of course Jack Black. That is to be expected. Jack Black is a national goddamn treasure. If you have not watched Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, please do not speak to me until you have righted that wrong.

Technically it's not a movie but I did fall victim to peer pressure and watch Tiger King. There are no words that I can put together to properly explain the show that hasn't been said already. It is like a train wreck in slow motion, except instead of a train it's a giant mobile home. The show is white trash concentrated in its purest form. It makes me realize the appeal of the Kardashians because holy heck I could not pull my eyes away from the constant psychosis. If you don't mind your brain cells committing suicide en masse, then go enjoy what has become an international phenomenon.

More to Come

That's all I really feel like writing right now. Plus if I write too much, some of you may move to more entertaining pastimes like swatting at dangling keys or eating paint chips. I will try to write more often to provide some sense of removal from the daily ennui everyone is experiencing.

I truly do hope everyone is staying safe. This is going to test us as not only a nation, but a species. With any luck, and plenty of determination, we will get through this.

Lots of love and wash your fucking hands.