What are you going to do, moisturize me?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but....

I'm kidding, I hate that phrase. But I am certain you all do need to hear this. You need to be moisturizing.

Obviously many of you do keep your skin well-nourished and looking good (ladies, I'm looking at you, time to show us guys a few things), but I know far too many people who are content with slathering themselves in Old Spice shower gel and allowing their skin to dry out to the intensity of the Atacama (why do you think you're itchy all the time?). Seriously, some of you are in your 20s and you're already beginning to rival the beauty of Keith Richards. Even the ancient Greeks knew to cover themselves in olive oil to nurture their epidermis, or at least to make wrestling a bit more sexy.

I would like to insert a general disclaimer that I have indeed watched Bill Burr's stand-up bit on using lotion, so I will do my best to keep this original. Fortunately it's a relatively general concept and we're not the only ones commenting on it. Also I'm not an esthetician, just a jackass who acts like he knows more than he really does (I did Google most of this stuff for at least five minutes, giving me the scientific integrity of a stay-at-home mom peddling essential oils).

Like Bill Burr states in his comedy, white people are woefully unaware of the magic of lotion and moisturizer. The African-American community's best kept secret is easily cocoa butter (we've already discovered [stolen?] jazz). That ethereal nectar is nothing short of heavenly. It's time we make the shift and forgo our chronically dry skin.

Shower Properly

I'm sure you're already sick of the Dr. Squatch ads that play in front of every YouTube video. The one where the bearded, long-haired schmuck lambastes you for using shower gel instead of their organic soap FOR MEN (smell like bourbon and camp fires or else you're a woman!!!1! I positively abhor that marketing tactic; gentlemen, ain't nothing wrong with smelling like lavender and tea tree). In his defense, he's not totally wrong. It is vitally important to use the right product for your skin type. Immediately deferring to the dollar store shower gel is the reason why your skin feels like cheap newspaper. 

Exfoliate, you bastards. If you hop in the shower, glaze yourself in cut-rate goop, rinse, and jump out, you've done jack for your cleanliness. Get in there with some steel wool and buff away, you pansy. Please don't actually do that... You ought to be using a soft washcloth (another thing us white people never caught onto) or scrubby and remove all that dead skin, open those pores, and achieve an acceptable level of hygiene. I'm not advocating for coming out rosy pink like a newborn baby every time you shower, but put some damn elbow grease into it. Putting moisturizer onto your skin without exfoliating is the equivalent of pouring paint onto a wall without scraping off the old flaky chips; learn how to scrape it down, slap on some primer, and get to work (not to devolve into proper painting techniques, but please jot that one down).

And please for the love of all that is holy, don't use a product with non-biodegradable micro beads. If I discover you are contributing to the deaths of various sea creatures through your use of micro beads, I will track you down and write you a strongly-worded letter (also I will slap you SO MANY TIMES).

Time for a wee bit of hypocrisy here. When you're showering, don't let the water reach the temperature of a white dwarf star. Existing for 3 hours in a waterfall of intensely hot water is not good for your skin. Do I do it? Yes, far too often (do as I say, not as I do). But I am trying to improve in that regard.

Moisturize me

You've finished exfoliating, you're out of the shower, now what? Lotion time, baby.  You don't need to go out and buy a container of La Mer (look up the price on that), find the moisturizer that works best for you and your skin type without forcing you to mortgage your home. Take a little scoop of that cream or a squirt of the Jergen's you primarily use during alone time, and start applying. Hell, get some grape seed oil and use that.

Now you're probably asking, why are there so many different types of lotions and moisturizers? I don't know where to begin! First off, I have no idea, free market capitalism or something like that. Secondly, different parts of your body have different sensitivities and pHs (I know that because I aced high school chemistry). You shouldn't really be using your body lotion on your face. Can you? Yes. Will it kill you? No (I sure hope not...) But is it better to get a face-focused moisturizer? Yes.

I'd argue you can live with two different moisturizers: one for your face, and one for your body and hands. Granted I have different products for each one, because I'm slowly devolving into some knockoff Patrick Bateman (lots of hygiene, none of the murder).

Profit?

Being moisturized has a vast array of positive results. You'll look younger for longer (if you always get carded, this may not necessarily be so enviable), you'll feel refreshed and feeling good without that bothersome tightness and itchiness, you'll help prevent acne and other skin problems/

blemishes, when you apply cologne it will last longer, and you'll become a millionaire (maybe not, but you'll look like a million bucks).

Oh, and stay hydrated.