Shave and a Haircut: Here's My Two Bits

Having just now written that title, I fear that it may easily be misconstrued as a double entendre. Please don't take it that way. I am just a simple man attempting to write a simple blog post about shaving simply... or rather less than simply. Haircuts will come in another post (another innuendo for you).

We All Shave... I think

Shaving is something we all have to do. Men are burdened with a life of keeping their faces clean of hair, though some have to shave their heads as well (unless you suffer from alopecia in which case you are smoother than a baby's bottom; not that I touch many baby bottoms...), women are socially forced to keep their legs and armpits shaved (well at least come date night), and we all have to have the personal debate about trimming the bushes in the Outback (Down Under).

Sure there are those gentlemen who sport a beard, women who keep the hair under their arms (not delving into that controversial rabbit hole), and people who rival Ron Jeremy in sheer levels of body hair. I personally knew a man who was cursed with so much body hair you might have thought he offered his child as a meal to Zeus (#ObscureGreekMyths); honestly the poor bastard would remove his shirt to reveal a stout Aran sweater of sienna wool. 

But as someone with a lack of beard growing genetics, I am obliged to stay clean shaven. Thus I shall offer my recommendations on how to improve your shaving. Step One: Lather face with shaving cream. Step Two: Rev up your chainsaw. Step Three: Nah I'm just kidding, I do not need a slew of lawsuits from a bunch of Harvey Dents who took me seriously.

I personally have been lambasted on many occasion by bearded friends who questioned my masculinity and levels of testosterone based on my ability to - or rather lack thereof - grow a beard. I would like to dispel the myth that growing a beard makes you manly. All that you have proven by growing a beard is laziness, the deadly sin of sloth. Whereas I spend time every day running a razor sharp blade across my throat and ultra vital areas in order to maintain a socially acceptable (and devilishly handsome) appearance. Which is more badass? Existing for long enough that your face pukes out a plethora of scraggly keratin or waking each morning, grabbing a a tiny cutlass, and shearing away the bristly little soldiers making camp on your jugular? That's what I thought.

What You're Doing Wrong

What better way to convince you to change how you do things that turn your current methods on their head all while insulting you. Truly I am a charismatic genius. As per usual, take what I say with a grain of salt and try to understand I am here to improve your life (I just happen to take a roundabout way involving sarcasm and idiotic anecdotes).

Most of you who shave your face probably use shave foam or gel. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The aerosol cans of frothy mire that goops out into a small pool of unsightly jism (sorry, just channeling my inner William Burroughs). If you use this stuff, you're committing Geneva Convention breaches to your face. These shaving foams do little to protect your face while shaving and the cans offer an increase to pollution. Filled with drying chemicals, these products only serve to hurt you in the long run. I will offer a solution that far surpasses these after I denigrate you a wee bit more.

You probably also overpay for razors containing a few dozen razor blades in order to get "the perfect shave" or (god forbid) you use disposables every time you shave. Nothing like mortgaging your home because another pack of blades costs the same as your student loans. You may even use an electric razor for convenience (here's what you're doing to your facial hairs). This may surprise you, but you don't actually need 73 tiny blades to shave your face (or legs, or head, or ya know...). You only need one.

What you use for aftershave is of vital importance as well. If you have a brilliantly moisturizing shave, but follow it up with  high alcohol aftershave like Old Spice and others you've effectively cancelled out the skin improving product you just used. "I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older." - Patrick Bateman (perhaps not the strongest argument for my case, but you've got to admit, for a psychotic serial killer, he looks damn good).

Shave Like Your Grandpa (Or Grandma)

Improving your daily (or biweekly, or weekly, or annual) shave is relatively easy. You may balk at some of the start-up costs, but you will even out quickly and find yourself back in the black. All this applies to both guys and girls and everyone in between. Don't feel excluded, if you've got hair to shave, all this applies to you.

Firstly is the shave foam. That has to go. Replacing it is shave soap (or cream) and a brush. Typically found in puck form, or pressed into a container, shave soap is a hard soap that contains nourishing ingredients such as almond oil, shea butter, coconut (or animal) milk, proteins, omega 3s, and more. This stuff is incredible for your face. Once you lather up your first, well, lather, you won't want to go back. Slick and smooth, a proper shave soap lather feels divine. You can control the temperature as well through the water added, so a cold winter morn may be met with a warm cloud of bubbles on your face or a hot summer afternoon can be relieved with a cool and refreshing blanket of froth.

Plus all of these soaps come in a wide variety of superb scents. Everything from classic colognes like Creed Aventus and Bleu de Chanel to niche fragrances like Parfum de Marly to original scents created by people with genius noses. Instead of smelling like foamy glop, you'll spend your shave routine smelling of sheer brilliance. I cannot recommend Barrister and Mann enough. The owner, Will, is a gentleman to the highest degree and the one to convince me to take the initial steps into artisan shaving. Plus his olfactory skills are off the charts. The man makes scents that easily rival those of Jacques Polge (another obscure reference).

Many of these soaps utilize tallow (animal fats) to create their cushion-y lather. So for those of you who are vegan, vegetarian, or morally opposed to such a product, there are fortunately many animal-free options. One of my favorite vegan options is Southern Witchcrafts. Their soaps come in obscure yet alluring scents while creating a super slick lather when used.

The brush is used to create the lather. They are typically made from badger or boar hair (never honey badger, god help the man who attempts to collect hair from a honey badger), but can be made with artificial bristles (which I personally use and have had no complaints over). You can spend as little as 10 bucks all the way up to multiple hundreds of dollars (not going to recommend that for beginners...). You'll also need a small bowl to build your lather in. Some people like to buy handmade ceramic scuttles that can be filled with hot water. I use a pet food bowl. No seriously, I use one of these, which is really just one of these re-marketed for shaving (I can only imagine how many eyes just audibly rolled).

Next is your razor. Toss that $50 Gillette Super Fusion Mach 500 Twisting and Vibrating Handle razor into the trash (or keep it until it's finished) and get yourself a nice safety razor. Prices range here again. I for one use a $20 razor (shout out to Maggard Razors, the ultimate one-stop shaving superstore), but have seriously debated buying a luxury $150 one. However, they are reusable. Like for life reusable. You can still buy razors from the 1920's in working condition (just be careful where you get it from, you probably don't want a razor from say 1940's Germany...). The razors use double-edge razor blades that are screwed into place. If you're doubting how you'll save money from this, let me put it like this. I bought a pack of 100 double-edge razor blades for $18 or so. Each blade will last me approximately 3-4 shaves. That is a lot of shaves for very little money. I use Feather blades, one of the sharpest options on the market (Japanese steel folded many thousand times) but those just getting into the game can try out dozens of different blades, all with a variety of sharpnesses (new word for you I definitely did not just make up).

If you're really feeling ballsy, you can buy a single-edge straight razor. The kind from Barber of Seville. Granted these are far more expensive, require serious upkeep, and you will probably end up looking like Heath Ledger's Joker by the end of your first shave (You wanna know how I got these scars? Sneezing while shaving). Those interested in trying such a style can purchase a shavette, essentially a replaceable blade straight razor, without breaking the bank.

Finally is your aftershave. Most artisan shave companies offer aftershaves with low alcohol levels containing aloe and/or witch hazel which help soothe your face post-removing literal hair and skin via blade while maintaining a nourishing effect. Or you can go straight nourishment and get yourself an aftershave balm or lotion (Nivea's aftershave lotion is a superbly cheap beginner option).

Naturally there are a world of accouterments you can buy to further luxurify (another new word) your shave routine. But for your first steps you'll really only need a razor, blades, soap, brush, and aftershave. Guys, step up your shaving routine. You only have one face (unless you're a changeling/shapeshifter/Michael Jackson), don't spend your life assaulting it with crude sharp implements and toxic chemicals. Ladies, you can use these products on those fine legs of yours. Shape up and make Bridgitte Bardot's ghost jealous (yes I know I don't believe in ghosts).